Category: Emotional Health

Dealing With Angry People

On By Heart, Mind and Soul CareIn Emotional Health, Healthy BoundariesLeave a comment

Drawing a line in the sand. An old metaphor.

I read an article recently that gave specific insight in regard to dealing with the way people respond to boundaries you have set up that they do not like. Sometimes there are people who are healthy enough to respond to your boundaries with honor and respect.

However, there are also those who do not like to have boundaries and will respond to you in anger. Their cutting words are harsh, their dry spirits seem to leave you parched and broken. What can you do? I felt the following six insights to be worthy of sharing. May they help you as they have helped me.

1. Realize that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem. If you do not realize this, you may think you have a problem. Maintaining your boundaries is good for other people; it will help them learn what their families of origin did not teach them: to respect other people.

2. View anger realistically. Anger is only a feeling inside the other person. It cannot jump across the room and hurt you. It cannot “get inside” you unless you allow it. Staying separate from another’s anger is vitally important. Let the anger be in the other person. He will have to feel his anger to get better. If you either rescue him from it, or take it on yourself, the angry person will not get better and you will be in bondage.

3. Do not let anger be a cue for you to do something. People without boundaries respond automatically to the anger of others. They rescue, seek approval, or get angry themselves. There is great power in inactivity. Do not let an out-of-control person be the cue for you to change your course. Just allow him to be angry and decide for yourself what you need to do.

4. Make sure you have your support system in place. If you are going to set some limits with a person who has controlled you with anger, talk to the people in your support system first and make a plan. Know what you will say. Anticipate what the angry person will say, and plan your reaction. You may even want to role-play the situation with your group. Then, make sure your support group will be available to you right after the confrontation. Perhaps some members of your support group can go with you. But certainly you will need them afterward to keep you from crumbling under the pressure.

5. Do not allow the angry person to get you angry. Keep a loving stance while “speaking the truth in love.” When we get caught up in the “eye for eye” mentality of the law, or the “returning evil for evil” mentality of the world, we will be in bondage. If we have boundaries, we will be separate enough to love.

6. Be prepared to use physical distance and other limits that enforce consequences. One woman’s life was changed when she realized that she could say, “I will not allow myself to be yelled at. I will go into the other room until you decide you can talk about this without attacking me. When you can do that, I will talk to you.”

These serious steps do not need to be taken with anger. You can empathize lovingly and stay in the conversation, without giving in or being controlled. “I understand that you are upset that I will not do that for you. I am sorry you feel that way. How can I help?” Just remember that when you empathize, changing your no will not help. Offer other options.

If you have not yet found Henry Cloud and John Townsend, author of the powerful book, “Boundaries”, then let me introduce them to you. It is worth every cent and minute of investment. (http://www.boundariesbooks.com/about/)

Meditation Leads To Transformation

On By Heart, Mind and Soul CareIn Development, Emotional Health, Healthy, Life, Personal Growth, Spiritual Disciplines, Spiritual HealthLeave a comment

meditation

Christian Fathers from centuries ago would distinguish between meditation and contemplation. Meditation would be the work of taking an idea or thought into our minds and mulling over it as it sinks deeper into our souls. Contemplation would be the gift of God as the fruit of meditation.

In the first century, one of the earliest Church leaders, whose name was Paul, explained in one of his letters to a church that was developing in Rome, that people can experience transformation as a result of the work of meditation. He wrote: “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think . . .” (Romans 12:2 New Living Translation)

While meditation begins in the mind, it does not stop there. Meditation uses the whole person; heart, mind and soul.

An author and pastor was working on 1 Corinthians 10:24; he was gripped with the implications of how we are to think less of ourselves and more of others. He wrote:

All the implications of 1 Corinthians 10:24 are not yet clear in my mind and heart. This text is not done with me. I need to give it more time. And that is my reason for writing.

When a text grabs our attention, we must allow it time to do its work. The Spirit’s use of the sword of God’s word (Hebrews 4:12) to pierce into our deep places and bring about sanctification and transformation doesn’t always fit neatly into a daily devotional time or a Bible reading plan. Sometimes we need to clear our devotional schedule and linger over a text and wrestle with it, and probe into it, and let it probe into us.

Unhurried meditation is what leads to the mind’s transformation (Romans 12:2), which leads to behavioral application, which leads to lifestyle transformation. Such meditation may only require ten minutes, or it may take ten months. However the Spirit leads, linger.

Give the Word time to do its work. (Jon Bloom, President: Desiring God Ministries.)

Are you looking for ways to grow and develop in your life? Have you carved out time to spend deeply thinking about God’s Word and His ways?

A key way to grow and develop our heart, mind and soul in a healthy and holistic way is to spend time with God in prayer and meditation over His Word.

Running From God or Running To God

On By Heart, Mind and Soul CareIn Emotional Health, Life, Personal Growth, Spiritual VitalityLeave a comment

EarlyMorningRun

Colorado is ranked near the top of the list of healthiest places to live. There are several reason for this ranking. People in CO tend to eat a healthier diet. They are also more active. Hiking, mountain climbing, biking, and running are activities that seem to top the list of outdoor fun.

It is interesting to note that while sociologists spend a great deal of time ranking the physical health of a community, they seldom do any work ranking the emotional or spiritual health of a community.

While Coloradans are hard at work running to get their bodies in shape, one wonders if they spend as much time exercising their souls to be as healthy spiritually and emotionally as they are physically. It IS possible for the soul to run: however, what many find themselves doing is running their souls AWAY from the very Person who can help them be spiritually and emotionally healthy.

Charles Stone wrote a great essay highlighting 7 insights he gleaned from a person who is notorious for running . . . running AWAY that is.

1. Running from God may indicate bitterness or unforgiveness toward another. 

Jonah ran from God because he hated Israel’s archenemy, the Assyrians where Nineveh was located. He couldn’t stomach their receiving forgiveness from God.

2. You can run from God but you can’t hide from him.

Jonah thought he’d get as far away from Israel as possible by taking a boat and fleeing 2500 miles in the opposite direction to Spain. But, even though Jonah knew that God was all knowing, he still tried to hide on a trip in a boat.

3. God never gives up on you.

When Jonah bought a one way ticket to Spain, God could have written him off and chosen someone else to preach to the Ninevites. He didn’t. He pursed Jonah.

4. God allows the storms of life for our benefit.

God sent the storm not to punish Jonah, but as an intervention. Jonah needed to be saved from himself and the storm (and the fish that swallowed him) were God’s tools for Jonah’s benefit.

5. When you run, others often get hurt.

When Jonah was on the boat, the boat and every innocent sailor was in danger of losing his own life because of Jonah’s disobedience. Although we may think we can sin and nobody else get hurt, inevitably somebody else gets hurt. We never truly disobey God in isolation.

6. The longer you run from God, the worse the storm will get.

As the storm arose, the men cast lots, an ancient way to divine God’s will, to determine who was causing the ‘gods’ to get angry and cause the storm. The lots fell to Jonah as the source. He could have repented then but didn’t. The storm got worse and worse. Often when we run from God, we dig a deeper and deeper hole.

7. Your sin can never outstrip God’s grace.

Although not every time we sin does God still offer us the same opportunities, in this case God kept pursuing Jonah. He sent the storm and a big fish. And Jonah survived them both. The rest of the book describes many other examples when God extended grace to Jonah. We can never sin, disobey, and run from God so far that his grace can’t forgive and restore, if we are willing.

To Whom are you running?